UGLIE 02: The One With The Thrice-Named Queen

We had dropped off the narrative, just at the point where King Pac’s voracious vision had alighted with amorous ardor, on a lissome lass amongst professional piscators.

King Pac saw a beautiful fisher-woman, and fell in “love”, for those not impressed by the alliterative excess in the first paragraph. Previous episode linked above, for those who missed that “literary gem“.

In the unfounded hope, that this shall be someday adapted for screen, we shall “sparingly” utilize cut-sequence mumbo-jumbo to denote a flash-back sequence.

So, as soon as our friend Pac does his tongue-lolling-drool-dripping-routine, we pan away, and then zoom-in our narrative vision on a luscious looking damsel (much better sounding than “babe” and oh so retro!) in a figure-enhancing two-piece… sari, ending with a very close close-up on her… EYES (What? You expected something else?).

This damsel was endearingly referred to as Tiffy, by us and other “friends” of her, as well as by her father, the head fisherman Chief Whuzyurda Dee.

Then, we zoom out, going back in focal distance as well as time, and we find her, in exactly the same pose of allure, and in fact in the same costume. We do a pan-back, and instead of our buddy Pac, we find a bearded godman, all shining with the light of knowledge, and the sweat of celibacy, and undergoing the same tongue-lolling-drool-dripping-routine.

This is the all powerful sage, PhilosopherStone Green (Mr. Green for short) and he is full of godly knowledge, divine wisdom and worldly desire for Miss Fishysmellibo Dee, as she was known to the world then. She was called Libby by her few and noticeably distant friends. Mainly due to the smell of fish, given the profession her family was in.

Well, our learned friend Mr. Green has this highly pure and divine feeling, that he must know what he condemns, so before talking of the ills of … uhh… bodily urges, and the mishaps of the soul it causes, he must partake of the Forbidden Fruit. In excess, if possible.

Ok… cut to the chase…. Mr. Green has the hots for Libby, and he is a godman, a man of god, and hence in the land, there and then, he had certain rights of courtesy (not here and now, we are all enlightened now-here. Promise!). He goes ahead and decides to use his prerogative (sorry no descriptive commentary, not that kind of a story). This is done with the full knowledge of Chief Dee. A particularly scenic island was requisitioned by Mr. Green for the purpose from the Chief’s dominion.

Mr. Green had divine powers and stuff like that. So Libby, retains her membership of Club Maiden, even after assisting Mr. Green in his Experiments With the Forbidden Fruit. Later. instead of the normal gestation of nine months and all the problem of pain, Libby sneezes, and out pops a fully grown son.

Umm… can those under the age of 18 skip the text in red?

Gone? Ok, kill all your knowing smiles, and frowns! Mr. Green was a clever chap, an experimenter par excellence. He returned the favor to Libby, by:

a) Using his considerable influence to hush-up the confinement of around a year and the medical attention required for child-birth

b) Taught Libby a few skills about the right amount of fight, and the right amount of guile to use the swim-bladder of a fish filled with cat-fish blood to simulate… umm… inexperience.

c) Explained, how change in diet, regular baths and use of unguents would make her look and “smell” better

So, miracles! Libby starts smelling “good” and looking “better” and her name is officially changed to Miss Bootifulbo Dee, known as Tiffy to her numerous friends and admirers. She receives the benign benediction of Mr. Green, and sneezes out a fully grown son, whom Mr. Green and Tiffy, call Islandus Uglie.

Why, you are bound to ask, is he named so? First name was on the place he was born. Second name was on the physical appearance.

Uglie is not too happy to be sneezed into existence and after wiping the snot off himself, he quite rightly refuses to stay with his Mom (Tiffy was way too pleased about that) and prepares to go along with Daddy Dearest in search of knowledge, truth and the familial propensity to experiment in the Forbidden Fruit.

But before leaving, he addresses his mom thus…

“In time of need of any kind,

To call me thither don’t you mind

Willingly shall I come in sooth

Unless occupied by the Forbidden Fruit.

I mayn’t be pretty as you ohh mother,

But shall be of use to a posthumous brother.”

POET: ISLANDUS UGLIE, DUTIFUL SON & RACONTEUR EXTRAORDINAIRE

Uglie had this “thing” for rhyme that was quite hard to stop and/or cure. And also he was prescient.

So, with this sneak preview of the future, we pan back to Tiffy and do the zoom thing, then zoom out and pan back and this time in the present and on King Pac, who has stopped his tongue-lolling-etc to talk to Chief Dee, about getting his daughter’s hand (along with the rest of her, I presume) in marriage.

Chief Dee looks thoughtfully at King Pac, then at Terribelus and then back at Pac and then at Tiffy and then back to Pac.

And then he scratches himself thoughtfully somewhere in his anatomy (don’t ask about this and hope not to get grossed out)

Chief Dee… sighs… stands up… sits down again… then clears his throat… seems to find something amiss… takes a glug from the tumbler by his side … and says:

“King Pac, I have approximately no problem in your proposition. But, as you may not be aware, I knew a girl who lived nearby, who seemed to be quite sure of your being a very wicked man… wink… wink…”

“So… before you indulge in any Elf-inspired activity, would you mind making a solemn promise by signing here… here… and here on these pre-nuptial papers drawn by my lawyer, which says your kingdom and all that stuff belongs to my would-be grandson/s.”

King Pac almost snatches the papers, and signs them. Terribelus nods along, wondering why Chief Dee said ‘wink’ twice, but his wonderment and agreement, both were completely missed by King Pac.

Chief Dee, still hesitant, intones:

“OK… fine… well done… and all that. But Prince Terribellus seems quite a strapping and war-like lad”

Here Teribellus jumps in, to be all virtuous (as he was wont to):

“Uhh… I am game man… I don’t need nothing of the kingdom… “

Chief Dee: “Double negative there, though I get your meaning. But what-if, young man, your future kids are less cool about this?”

Terribellus: “OK, peace… I won’t have any… in fact I already am the greatest patron of the artisans who make those latex things, the one’s that you… you know… roll down… like this… before… “

CD: “I know, young Sir … wink! I hear they are effective only 90% of the time”

T: ” What… man this sucks! By the way, stop saying ‘wink’ to me.”

CD: ” I know… wink… wink… SO???”

T: “Why do you keep saying ‘wink’. OK, I shan’t marry ever”

CD: “Shall not is a more acceptable usage. AND…”

T: ” Time out man… that’s going tooo far”

CD: “One ‘o’ too many, if you ask me! OK suit yourself… Sorry Pac… keep your mitts off my daughter!”

T: “Pop stop poking me… ok… ok… and shall also refrain from… uhhh… any potential situation which may cause any inheritance problems.”

CD “That means?’

T: “OK… I hereby take the vow of celibacy, goddammit!”

(Author’s Note: Please note the lower-case)

CD:

Daughter dear, so long and thank you for the fish fry,

And by the way, T, my innocent boy,

It may interest & trouble you to know,

That you have actually sworn a quite awful vow”

POET: CHIEF WHUZYURDA DEE, AWESOME NEGOTIATOR, AWFUL RHYMER

T: “Hey, I just said that, and we kings are known to break anything worth breaking, including promises. I never actually swore goddammit… oops… I did swear… uhhh… may I have a swig from that tumbler of yours”

CD: “Sure. Have some of this fried fish. It’s truly scrumptious. That reminds me! Tiffy, I think you need a change of garments and name. May be, the names I keep giving you, in fits of familial propensity towards word-play, do not sound regal enough?”

Tiffy: “Yes. Dad I know! I believe, this particular affliction is shared by some-one else typing on a keyboard in another universe, grinning impiously. No one of any importance, let’s call him @randomidem. Whatever! As you know… I am a virgin… yes… and it starts with V… and I always say the truth… like just now… so I will be henceforth known by a name that combines these two… the letter ‘V’ and my truthfulness. Hmm!”

An unseen voice from the background:

“All Hail the Virgin who shall be Queen, for her Beauty and Tenacity,

She has many many reasons to preen, your new Queen Veracity.

Soon to be mother to two more sons, very hard to rhyme this ditty,

Break into merry song and dance, for your new Queen Veracity”

POET: UNKNOWN, SOON TO BE REVEALED

With this, we pan back… hey wait a minute! I think we know that font and style. And who’s that guy, taking notes surreptitiously?

Oh… didn’t I tell you? Our friend, Islandus Uglie, had already stopped all that search-for-divine-knowledge, and was now a wannabe poet and novelist.

And, he seemed to have taken a very “healthy” interest in his new family, by way of marriage… of his mother. And in his new brother, from another mother… and different father. Prince Terribellus.

Uglie‘s talent in rhyme-making and name-giving, we just heard saw witnessed! As his was the voice that suggested the third and final name of Queen Veracity, earlier known as Miss Bootifulbo Dee (“Tiffy“), even earlier known as Miss Fishysmellibo Dee (“Libby“).