UGLIE 04 – The One Where Eddie Got Sick and/or Confused

Instead of our old friend, Regent Terry, and the still incognito poet-laureate, Uglie, let’s hang out this time with our new best-friend Eddie, the space-time travelling witness of tales of various metaphorical heights; i.e. short stories and tall tales. In case you want to jog your memory about this new friend or reminisce about the old one’s, you may check the last chapter of this saga.

Eddie is visited by an attack of hiccups. Flashes… smoke… change of place… (and time I presume).

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We find ourselves in Navadnirv, pronounced Naw-dere or “not there”. (Blame the French if you want).

There reside a tribe of fun-loving and data-driven goat-herders. (There can be one). Their leader is called Chief Binary Gate, under whose tutelage lives the estranged wife of an exiled Prince, and her son Fortius. In Chief Gate‘s house was born a nice, smiling, dark-skinned, blue-eyed kid, Raj (“नाम तो सुना ही होगा?”).

Raj was always sharp (like a knife in your back in the back alleys of Gotham big cities, i.e.), and almost always sweet (if you are a diabetic, i.e.).

He was a Maker of Plans, a strategist with awesome skills.

He was a Leader of Men, a fighter with scary kills.

He was a Lover of Women, a giver of sweet thrills.

The fourth line is extra without fee, listen o’ Jack’s & Jill’s?

RHYMES WITHOUT REASON, APOLOGIES ALL ROUND!

Raj won many a river-front properties for his tribe, made makeshift dams that prevented flash floods and was an all-round hero for his people!

Raj was the chieftain’s son, a hero in his own right. All his amorous advances were successful on the average. He had feats of brain, brawn and… umm.. other things, that were the talk of the town. A prince amongst men, you may say! Yet, he realized, Fortius was a real prince, not him!

So, he started calling Prince Fortius his brother, rather than calling him a companion who was “like-brother” (a simple inversion of a simile into a metaphor!). Fortius, for one, was happy for one, since he was a lonely lovely chap. And Raj, by association, came to be known as Prince Raj.

Just as we try to ascertain, if Prince Raj is someone we can be fans of, and look for scraps of parchment to take his autograph, Eddie has another of his sneezing fits! (Something really must be done for his allergies, eh!). Flashes… smoke… change of scene…

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We are now in Confection-istan, a city-state ruled by its king, named Kong. This King Kong is a straight-forward guy with direct methods of editing out parts of his family-tree, he felt stylistically extraneous.

So his Pop was “quickly” put in the slammer, as he wasn’t fast enough to vacate the throne posthumously.

His sister Princess Godzilla (referred to as “Gee“) was married to Prince Rex (nicknamed for no apparent reason as “Tee“). The loving couple stayed under Kong‘s protection, but after many years and a few miscarriages, a strange rumor started doing the rounds.

Kong once read a book, on vocabulary like a boss,

Didn’t like the word avuncular, it sounded so gross.

Realized that as long as he had no nephew or niece,

He would firmly remain non-avuncular in peace.

Hence, though he let his sister with her husband mate,

Edited their “output”, to keep clean his uncle-ness slate!

RUMOR MILLS OF CONFECTION-ISTAN

But seriously, all he needed to do was ask his surgeon to do some snipping in the right places, or kept them both in platonic-ally separate locations. Why does this thing really irk the logical side of mine? (A small and hitherto hidden side I agree… but still it IS a side of me)

And then after one nice, long-drawn season of palace intrigue and political assassinations and public propaganda…

King Kong was dead. Princess Gee and Prince Tee were freed. And two guys who led this rebellion, were recognized as the progeny of Gee and Tee. They had, rumors stated, miraculously escaped Kong’s machinations by divine intervention, and had been kept safe from their non-avuncular uncle, by their foster-mother Princess Ayy, another of wife of Prince Tee. The more vocal and martial of the “brothers” was called Prince Raj (“नाम तो सुना ही होगा?”).

While we try to ascertain if this was the same Raj, and re-visit our desires for the coveted autograph, two things happen in quick succession:

Firstly, the King of the nearby city state, King OldMac Donald, father-in-law of the deceased King Kong, attacks Confection-istan.

Secondly, you guessed it right! Our friend, Eddie gets into a spurt of coughs. (We do need to get this one checked-up. I am getting a little concerned!). A spark and poof… a new scene unfolds…

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We find ourselves on the western seashore of Intermediate Earth, not far from a trading city state, called quite magically, GapinDoor. We latch on to a group of smugglers traders bound for the city. with their wares. Over a sumptuous meal of fafda and dhoklas, we are told that the city is not governed by a king, but by a committee, with members of all major families. The leaders amongst them are the two brothers from the oldest founding family. The younger brother, in charge of security and foreign affairs, is called Chief Raj. (“नाम तो सुना ही होगा?”)

The GapinDoor’ians are one of the wealthiest city states, and have been lobbying for better trading concessions from the kingdoms in the northern and eastern part of the sub-continent. As the main architect of these efforts, Raj‘s methods were unconventional, to put it mildly. Or as they sang:

We bribe those whom we can, others get assassinations,

Spend a few pieces of silver, when we earn gold in the millions,

Chief Raj uses strategic marriages, merely to get good relations,

We cause civil wars, spread unrest through covert missions,

We’ll find gaps in each door, we are the eff-ing GapinDoor‘ians

UNOFFICIAL ANTHEM OF THE CITY STATE OF GAPINDOOR

The meter of the anthem was slightly off, with awkwardly placed pauses and elongated syllables. The poetic sense may have been muddied, but the emotions and the intent was crystal clear.

As we resume searching for those blasted pieces of parchment to get the coveted autograph from Raj, we wonder whether… the three Raj’s we met are same or just similar.

As we approach the handsome man, we are pulled away thanks to Eddie and his round of sniffles.

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And in the void between time and space we wonder..

The first time when we met Raj, he was a hero of the bucolic nature. His were the personal exploits – acrobatic and/or romantic. Him with a “brother” from another mother!

The second instance when we accosted Raj, he was a protagonist of the revolutionary type. His was the rebellion success – palace intrigue and/or propaganda based. Him with a “mother” with genetic connections asunder!

The third occasion when we way-laid Raj, he was a statesman of the geopolitical order. His were the commercial and political masterstrokes – greasing the wheels, and a few well-planned kills. Him with the lawful “in laws” and chaotic “out laws“.

May be, as our hero-worshiping minds hope, this is the story of One Super-Man, striding across the cultural, martial and political fields as a behemoth amongst mere men (no hyphenations, and no mermaids either!). RAJ!!! (“नाम तो सुना ही होगा?”)

Or, if we look at each story in isolation, we idolize three men, Three Raj‘s, occupying endearing and enduring positions in different times, different places and different fields. (“नाम में क्या रखा है?”). May be, the story-tellers in this meta-verse shall confound conjoin these three, and present them as one, nevertheless.

We ask Eddie, for his learned opinion. The hiccuping, sneezing, coughing, sniffling one. The anthropomorphic form of Space-Time. He shrugs. He looks confused. Or may be, just a little under the weather. Any one of you knows a good Doctor?