To reduce the extreme confusion in this cesspool of bad ideas, worse prose and worst verse, here is an easy reckoner of the Episodes (Chapters) of UGLIE, with the mapped Hypotheses, which are the intended take-away’s from each. Quoting a late night mixed metaphor from a friend, “If your boiled egg has a diamond for a yolk, but the exteriors are made of titanium, what’s the point?“
Below that, we shall continue populating a Glossary to help map out the not-so-well-hidden names used and the real names in M-Story they are based on. And after that some plain, old-fashioned ranting!
Glossary and Connects [explained to death!]
| Number, Name, Intended Take-Away & Idea used for Chapters |
|---|
| Chapter 00 – The Prologue Hypothesis 00: History is written by the winners. And they may be tempted to forget a few details. All the greatness and virtue is assigned to the winning side. Thus getting all the villainy and questionable conduct on the hapless losers’ side. Reality is never so clearly Black and White. We apply this filter to the stories of Mahabharata. We introduce a series with alternate write-ups. In no way do we say that these representations are in any way “truer”. |
| Chapter 01 – The One Where Terribelus has a Terrible Start Hypothesis 01: Wherever “divine” is brought in to explain something, it is mostly (a) unnecessary and/or (b) to hide something sinister. We apply this basic premise to look at the “divine” origin of Bhishma’s maternal side. Slightly controversially, we hint at a king using his “prerogative” on a commoner, and then commissions a “more palatable” story, with fantasy elements. The interaction between the king and the damsel-by-the-river, could be seen as |
| Chapter 02 – The One With The Thrice-Named Queen Hypothesis 02: Sometimes people in power make wrong/hasty decisions, and then try to build them up to be well thought out and/or wise and/or based out of purest motives. A not-so-old economic decision MAY or MAY NOT be an example of the same. We exercise this hypothesis on the “reason” and situation behind the “terrible” oath of Bhishma, which reportedly gave him the name. We facetiously create a scenario where he “swore” about the same, and it stuck! It may have been a misunderstanding or not exactly intended or not thought-out fully in the heat of the moment. This can also explain (partially) his bitterness in the future. |
| Chapter 03 – The One With Eddie And Deaths Hypothesis 03: The repeated removal of powerful people, while another gets closer to more power, can just be misfortune or coincidence, but if there arises a pattern, there may be some design behind the disasters. Perhaps signs of a human’s signature instead of divine misadventure. We test this conjecture, by dealing in rumors and innuendos which “may” have done the rounds, regarding the back to back deaths of Shantanu, Chitrangada and Vichitravirya, which incidentally left the rule of Hastinapur in Bhishma’s able hands. Kings live and kings die. Some die of accidents and some of misadventure. May be a few die of natural causes. What lives on are the people. All that is kind of certain in the epic is that the Old King had two paramours. The first born of his, never was King, but held the reins of power almost till his dying breath. The other progenies died childless, or at least before their offspring were of age. The constantly ageing Regent served the People well. Whatever it was all felt for him, respect or fear, he kept the kingdom safe and the rulers out of too much mischief. One more thing! The Regent may or may not have been celibate. Stories of vows are there. But it seems the sheen of celibacy of Rulers was, and still is, a way to signal to the People that “their well being” is more important to the Ruler than of his own progeny. Even much married Rulers or those estranged from their spouses use this signalling methodology. Godspeed to them! Science doesn’t support special powers originating from celibacy, IMHO. In popular culture and opinion? May be it does. Does that make those stories lies? You decide! |
| Chapter 04 – The One Where Eddie Got Sick and/or Confused Hypothesis 04: Sometimes stories and exploits of multiple individuals are rolled into one. Mostly it is borne out of genuine confusion, but sometimes it may be a case of commandeering of several histories, to bolster one story. We experiment with this hypothesis, by postulating that there were three discrete individuals whose exploits got clubbed together. The Krishna of Vrindavan, a cultural hero. The Krishna of Mathura, a revolutionary leader. The Krishna of Dwaraka, a mentor and king-maker. No value judgements made. We also question, in passing, the curious case of Kansa keeping Nand & Devaki together, in spite of his “fear” of their possible progeny’s uncle-cide nature. |
| Chapter 05 – The One Where The King’s Still Dead Hypothesis 05: If someone of nominally “lower” prestige is given a lot of importance and considered kin, in a setting framework where such examples are not that common, their claim to kinship would be stronger than what is let on to the general public. We apply this hypothesis to the birth of Vidura. The brother of Dhritarashtra and Pandu. The one who is time and again proven to be “more suited” to rule than his “brothers”. He is considered to be the son of Krishna Dwaipayana Ved Vyas and a nameless serving lady of the Queen Ambika, whom she sent to Vyas on given a second chance to get a “more suitable” son. In some references he is supposed to be fathered by Ved Vyas when he “lay with” a nameless “kept-wife” or concubine of the posthumous King Vichitravirya. We surmise he was the only direct genetic progeny of King Vichitravirya, though out of wedlock. He may have had a stronger claim to the throne than his “brothers”, from other mothers and father. Knowing that, he was kept under constant watch, and given varied yet subservient responsibilities. He is thrown out of the palace much later, when he openly supports the claim of Yudhishthira on the throne. Now that may or may not be the subject of yet another theory. |
Name: Some inane text supposed to clarify but actually just to muddy the waters further. Also to show off erudition of author some literary references
[CHAPTER IN WHICH FIRST ENCOUNTERED]
Intermediate Earth: The country in which the stories are set. The underlined and bolded letters spell out the country being signified. Also a play on the Middle Earth of JRR Tolkien, and Middle Kingdom of Chinese lore.
UGLIE 00
King Pacificus Atomus: Pacificus stands for “shaant” or “शांत”. Atomus stands for “anu” or “अनु”. The King Shaantanu. Known as the father of Bheeshma, and the Great Grandfather of the Warring Cousins of the M-Story. We call him Pac for short. A play on Pacman, the character in the arcade game which is known for gobbling up stuff without concern for own safety.
UGLIE 00
Elephantiston: Elephant as in “Hasti” or “हस्ति”. Stand in for Hastinaapur. The city state which was the “bone of contention” in the M-Story.
UGLIE 00
Gargles: Stand in for the River Ganges. The personification of the same was reportedly the first wife of King Shaantanu and the birth-mother of Bheeshma in the M-Story. In this Gargles is a brook (not a river), hence a play on “gargling brook” (sad).
UGLIE 01
Elvish Marriage: Stand in for Gandharva Vivaah. The type of marriage which can be consummated without any rituals. Elves here stand in for Gandharva.
UGLIE 01
Terribelus: Terrible as in “bheeshma” or “भीष्म”. Stand in for the larger-than-life character Bheeshma in the M-Story.
UGLIE 01
PhilosopherStone Green: Philosopher Stone, the stone that turns base metal to gold. In Hindi this is called “paras” or “पारस”. Green in Hindi is “hara” or “हरा”. Together they are पारस.हरा or Paras.hara (bad pun?). Stand in for Rishi Parashara. The father of Krishna Dwaipaayana Vyas, through his union with Satyavati, prior to her marriage to King Shaantanu. Also a play on his transforming Matsyagandha to Satyavati (more on it soon)
UGLIE 02
Miss FishySmellyBo Dee later known as Miss BootifulBo Dee later known as Veracity: Stand in for Matsyagandha, later known as Yojanagandha later known as Satyavati. Mother of Krishna Dwaipayana Vyas, wife to King Shaantanu, step mother to Bheeshma in the M-Story. The first strong female character. The shortened names (Libby, Tiffy and Vee) are just diminutives. The first and the last names are “almost” translations of the actual first and last names of the Queen. The middle name is just for fun. Say it out loud!
UGLIE 02
Chief WhuzyurDa Dee: Father of Miss BootifulBo Dee. A bad joke taken too far. Sincere apologies. Can’t and won’t explain. Say it out loud!
UGLIE 02
Islandus Uglie: Stand in for Krishna Dwaipaayana Vyas, son of Rishi Parashara and Satyavati, before her marriage to King Shaantanu. Similar reasoning of naming. Krishna Dwaipaayana Vyas was named thus for being “dark”, “island born” and “curator/collector of Vedas”. As our Islandus has done no “collection” and/or “curation” of holy books he doesn’t get the third name. Yet!
UGLIE 02
Mister Edward or Eddie: Stand in for eddies in space-time continuum, just pseudo-scientific gobbledegook to help set stage for traversing narratives across time & space. Also a stand-in for the author.
UGLIE 02
Prince Picturepac Atomus: Picture as in “Chitra”. Stand in for Chitraangada. The eldest son of Satyavati after her marriage with King Shaantanu. The rest of his name is to align with his father’s name, similar to naming conventions of Western India. Also a bad setup of a ill-thought joke on shortened name 2Pac, or Tupac, an artist who dies young.
UGLIE 03
Prince Strangulatus Atomus: Strange as in “Vichitra”. Stand in for Prince Vichitraveerya. The younger, and next to die, son of Satyavati after her marriage with King Shaantanu. The full name (actual) may also mean “strange spermatozoa”. Go figure! Seems sick jokes aren’t just my game. Especially when considering the fact that his elder brother’s name started with “Chitra”.
UGLIE 03
Eenie, Meenie, Maynee (Moe): Stand in for Princesses Amba, Ambika and Ambalika, the three princesses abducted by Bheeshma, for marriage purposes to his youngest brother. The play, and or question on Maynee (Moe) shall be played out later. Suffice for now that Ambalika (here denoted by Maynee), reportedly, swore to return as a man (maybe Moe) to avenge her tarnished honor by causing the death of Bheeshma. The thread of this “tarnished honor” was not pulled at. May look at it some other time.
UGLIE 03
Navadnirv: Stand in for Vrindavan, the primary arena of Krishna’s childhood adventures. Just reversed the letters. To be pronounced as Naw-dere or “not there”, because this is just a fiction with perspective exercise, and doesn’t purport to be a historical in any way, whatsoever.
UGLIE 04
Chief Binary Gate: Stand in for Chief Nand, the foster-father of Krishna. A play on NAND, a logical gate for binary operations. Also, a play for Bill Gates, because why not!
UGLIE 04
Fortius: Fortius as in stronger, in Latin. Stand in for Balarama, or the Mighty Rama, the elder half-brother of Krishna.
UGLIE 04
Raj: Stand in for Krishna, one of the most important protagonists in, and may be the main driving force of, the Mahabharata. A play on another dark-skinned hero, Shahrukh Khan, who has played himself in umpteen Bollywood movies, and has been called Raj (“नाम तो सुना ही होगा?”) in quite a few of them.
UGLIE 04
Confection-istan: Stand in for Mathura, the second arena of adventure of Krishna. The place is now synonymous to a milk based confection, hence the play.
UGLIE 04
King Kong: Stand in for King Kansa, the maternal uncle of Krishna, and King of Mathura. Other than the same initials, the play is quite evident, on the cinematic “monster”, and the humor worsens with the next two characters.
UGLIE 04
Princess Godzilla: Stand in for Princess Devaki, mother of Krishna and sister of Kansa. The play is on the first part of her name, i.e. “deva”, which means “god” in Sanskrit. Also a play with the parallel to a cinematic monster, carrying on the trend from her brother’s name.
UGLIE 04
Prince (Tee) Rex: Stand in for Prince Vasudeva, father of Krishna and husband of Devaki. The play is extremely juvenile here. Rex is nicknamed as “Tee”, i.e. T. Rex the husband of Godzilla and brother-in-law of Kong, thus completing the trifecta of cinematic monsters. I know, I should be ashamed of myself.
UGLIE 04
King OldMac Donald: Stand in for King Jarasandha, father-in-law of Kansa. A very important character, and in the Jain version of Mahabharata, the main antagonist. The play is on the first part of his name, i.e. “jara”, which also means “old age” in Sanskrit. May be Jarasandha also had a farm. I know. Still ashamed of myself.
UGLIE 04
GapInDoor: Stand in for Dwaraka, the third major arena of Krishna’s adventures. The play is two-fold. The first part of the place name “dwara” means “door” in Sanskrit. Also a play in the business method of getting into “gap” of every “door”, figuratively. Umm, also Gryffindor. Yes… I know. A shameless trend here!
UGLIE 04
Nurse Teenie: Stand in for the nameless kept-wife of King Vichitravirya or alternately the nameless serving wench of Queen Ambika. Name is just an inane play, to match Eenie and Meenie. Shame knoweth no subject more suitable than I!
UGLIE 05
— TO BE CONTINUED —
P.S. The usage of the terms is meant to protect the feelings of those amongst the hapless readers who have difficulty to separate fact from fiction from semi-religious-tomes from possible histories from actual religion.
Random Mythoscopy 