Going My Way Brother? – An “Auto”-आपबीति

कल रात एक आधा-सा लतीफ़ा कौंध गया मन-मस्तिष्क में – कि जो निज-स्मृति-उपाख्यान “ऑटो” में किए गए अपने सफ़र और “suffer” पे हो उसे क्या बोलेंगे? बहुत ज़लील सा ज़वाब आया – “Auto”-autobiography. या शायद Auto-आपबीति. अब भारतीय महानगरियों में “ऑटो” से सफ़र करने वाले को ज़लील होने की आदत तो होती ही है। तो ज़लालत निगल गए। और देर काफ़ी हो गयी थी, तो निद्रा-मग्न भी हो गए।

फिर सुबह उठे, हाथ-मुँह धोए, और चंद मार्गदर्शी गीत सुने, तो सूने घर में मिज़ाज बना – “चलो त्री-चक्र-यान-आप-बीति लिख लेते हैं।” भाषा पर सोचा, तो जी डगमगाया। आंग्ल-भाषा में कुछ कथन कृत्रिम से लगेंगे। और कुछ चिंतन हिंदी में व्यक्त करना कठिन होगा। Blame it on 12 years of missionary school education and 15 of corporate experience. So why not both? और उसमें, let’s add two more languages not given their true dues. The most common language in Indian Colleges – Hinglish, i.e. Hindi jo ki aangl-shabdavali mein likhi jaaye. और मेरे कुछ बंधु-गनों के ख़ुराफ़ाती दिमाग़ और नब्बे के दशक के कॉमिक्स की उपज – एंडी, अर्थात् द इंग्लिश रिटेन इन देवनागरी स्क्रिप्ट। चार भाषाएँ, that the specific group who may have had similar experiences, can relate to. कोशिश रहेगी, chaaron ko samaan सम्मान मिले, बट आइ डूनोट प्रॉमिस एनीथिंग, as usual! As has been my wont, will try and extract some applicable learnings. For why not?

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इति हास्य 1: Woh saal 2004 ki baat hai, ek दरिद्र सा अभियंता गुजरात से हैदराबाद के लिए रवाना हुआ। He had always been strange, so decided to use Volvo Bus services, with a break journey in Mumbai. The travel (night bus) from Vadodara to Mumbai was more gruelling than expected by the mental-tough-guy (ha!) but physical-nerd. Our protagonist (let’s call him Bokaro) stepped down from the bus with shaky legs and shakier acumen, in an early morning fugue. One enterprising Mumbai auto rickshaw driver identified an opportunity, and decided to act on it.

ऑटो वाले भैया: बाबू, होटेल?

Bokaro: कोई सस्ता वाला ले चलो भाई। बस freshen-up होना है, शाम की ही रवानगी है।

ए॰वी॰बी॰: आओ बैठो। मीटर नहीं, X रुपये लगेंगे।

बोका: OK. Waise zyaada hai.

ए॰: ठीक ही बोल रहा हूँ। आपसे ज़्यादा क्यों लूँगा?

B: Theek hai chaliye.

So, after a few minutes of confusing travel, A leads B to the reception of a seedy looking establishment (hindsight is 20/20), takes the agreed upon fare from B, has a whispered negotiation and pockets a few additional pieces of paper from the hotel guy. Let’s call him Chaalu or “C“.

Chaalu: बताओ कैसा रूम चाहिए?

बोका: Kucch bhi simple (walks with C as he beckons, looks at the bed in the room and shudders) Bhai yeh bed sheet badal doge naa? Bahut ganda dikh raha hai.

By this time, another guy, who looks like the senior of C shows up. Let’s call him Decent or “D“.

Decent: क्या हो रहा है C?

C: कुछ नहीं रूम दिखा रहा था कस्टमर को।

D: (to B) Tum naya hai Bambai mein?

B: Ji, abhi aaya. Shaam ki rawanagi hai. Auto waala le kar aaya. बस freshen-up होना था।

D: (looks at C angrily) Tumhara bhi C****, fir shuru ho gaya. (to B) बाबू आपको फ़्रेशेन up होना है तो मेरे रूम को यूस कर लीजिए।

B: पैसे?

C: (speaks up fast) Y रुपए (a good factor more than X already paid to A by B)

D: (सी॰ को ग़ुस्से से देखते हुए) हाँ Y रुपए दे दो। एंट्री नहीं होगी लेकिन।

तो, हमारे चश्मे-वाले हीरो ने Y रुपये C को थमाया। उसे लग रहा था कि शायद कुछ गड़बड़ है। नींद तो पहले ही उड़ गयी थी, फिर जब कुछ ठंडे पानी के छींटे पड़े तो समझ में आया, कि उसे उसके नए-नवेले ऑटो वाले भैया कैसे होटेल में लाए थे, और वो चादर इतनी और ऐसे मैली क्यों थी। फिर क्या था, हड़बड़ी में तय्यार हुआ, और शुक्रिया बोल निकल गया।

मॉरल ओफ़ द स्टोरी: वेन इन मुंबई डूनॉट एवर, एवर लीव द चॉइस ओफ़ होटेल ऑन द ऑटो ड्राइवर, हाउएवर ब्रदरली यू फ़ील टुवॉर्ड्ज़ हिम। द ब्रदर can take you to a ब्रॉथल। True story! If the decent “D” had not intervened, the autowaala “A” and चालू “C” could have made this incident infinitely more memorable to the बोका “B”. Oh, and “B” was me!

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इति हास्य 2: The year is 2004 or 2005. Or may be 2006. There is a software engineer working in Hyderabad. His name starts with “N”. We will just call him… N (protecting the identity of innocents). His junior from college, and a good friend (hailing from the same steel township as well) also works in an industrial township in the outskirts of Hyderabad. In Medak district. This guy was over-enthusiastic about his liquor-imbibing capabilities. Let’s call him “O“.

One Saturday evening, N and O decide to go “pubbing”. By that it meant, wrangling an entry in a bike-themed pub in the posh-ish area of area known as the Hills of the Nomads. This task the two nomads succeed in. Then they start imbibing liquids of varying ethanol content and pungency. At the end of the business hours of this esteemed institution, they stagger out professing the undying nature of their friendship.

जब तक उन्होंने “ये दोस्ती हम नहीं तोड़ेंगे” का अंतरा और मुखड़ा भली-भाँति एक दूसरे को सुनाया, उन्हें ये समझ आया कि neither is in any position to operate the bike they had rode in on. So while N decides to enrich the roadside flora with assortment of half-digested items, O flags a ride. And in rides the hero of this piece. Mr. Pretty-Sozzled-up-Auto-Guy. Let’s call him “P“.

P (stops and asks magnanimously): कहाँ जाना है?

O: इंदिरनगर। गछिबावली। चलेंगे भाई?

P: अभी अपन घर जा रहा है। रास्ते में छोड़ दूँगा। दूसरा auto भी पकड़ा दूँगा। चलेगा?

O & N do not say “NO”, and hop ON. O should have had some misgivings (some memories of a “freshening-up” incident in Mumbai), but he felt oddly at peace with the world. After some time, quite some time, O realises something embarrassing. He has a niggling doubt that the two friends had emptied their collective pockets and wallets of every currency note they had, as they were unable to operate the card machine in the watering-hole. He checks the hypothesis with N, and the hypothesis is proven as correct. So…

O: भाई, कोई ATM दिखे तो रोक दोगे please।

P: पहले बोलना था, अब तो सारे पार हो गए। क्या हुआ?

O: भाई कैश नहीं है।

P (proves his true and surprisingly beautiful nature): अब वापस तो जा नहीं सकता। कोई बात नहीं, मेरेकू चलता, ऐसे भी मैं घर जा ही रहा है।

O: Lekin bhai, agale auto ko to dena hoga na. Woh kahan maanega. (Totally forgetting that they could withdraw money after reaching Indiranagar)

P: ऐसा, मैं एक काम करता। कोई कार वाले कु रोकता। लिफ़्ट दे देंगे तुम दोनो कु।

True to his word, P stops at a well-lighted point, and keeps flagging down cars explaining the plight of the dizzy duo in his auto, till another duo in a dark SUV relents to his entreaties. O & N bid teary eyed goodbyes to P, promising to track him down and pay him extra. The driver and his friend of the dark SUV, keep checking that the duo don’t go to sleep in the backseat, and drop them at a turning not far from their destination. N & O walked back and collapsed in the shared apartment (N was the co-tenant. O was his unannounced guest). In the morning they wake up, N takes O with him, to an ATM in the campus of his company, not far from where they were. With currency notes in wallet, O travels back using cash rather than “friendship” as fare. Sadly he never found P ever again. He didn’t go out of the way, but he searched the faces of every auto-वाला and always was extremely amicable in his relationships with them.

मॉरल ओफ़ द स्टोरी: फ़्रेंड्शिप एंड मोर इम्पॉर्टंट्ली हेल्प्फ़ुल्नेस इस फ़ाउंड as much, and in fact मोर इन the salt-of-the-soil पीपल than in the upper/middle-crust of the custard of society. More importantly, have a designated driver or clear plan/method of return for any night-in-the-town. You may not be as lucky as me that night!

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इति हास्य 3: The year was 2009. It was summer internship time for the MBA student from Lucknow, let’s call him Lucky or “L“. Well, Lucky, in consonance with his name, had landed a plum internship at a FMCG firm with office in Chakala. He had been provided paid accommodation at Sakinaka. Not that far, and as those who may wish to remember, the intervening portion of road was dug up quite well for the then-upcoming Mumbai Metro. So the first few days, Lucky tagged along with his mates in sharing auto-rides from the chummery to office and back. After a week or so, there were a few schedule and ego clashes, so the partnered commute was kind of halved. Morning the rides were shared. The evening ride were in different times and/or different locations. Lucky didn’t party hard (something to do with an incident which ended in Indiranagar in Hyderabad), and preferred to return alone.

The first few days Lucky got a ride back with understandable issues, i.e. after a few “refusals”. Polite discourses and all. Then the epochal Friday. Lucky was especially tired, and his usually rosy-outlook towards the basic goodness of mankind was under serious attack. Let’s not go into the nitty-gritty details! So he walks out, crosses the road towards the board of a gurudwaara, and starts his marionette-hands attempts to flag down a ride. After some time, one auto deems to stop. Looks at Lucky, and somehow decides that his time is spent better elsewhere, and starts off without the usual query of where-to and how-much etc. This kind-of should have told L that this would be an evening to forget. Then there were the usual few cases. Auto stops, L states his destination. Auto-driver silently disagrees and goes off. And then arrives the Man or “M”. In his shiny yellow auto.

The Man: कहाँ?

Lucky: साक़ीनाका।

Man: (looks immensely angered and disturbed) ख़ाली-पीली… नहीं जाना।

L: (already in a different mental space) Theek hai, batao bhai kahan jaaoge. Aaj chalte hain wahin. Yahan khade-khade waise bhi bore ho raha hoon.

M: मसखरी करता है। आगे बढ़!

L: Haan bhai, aap yahin ghar banao, main chalta hoon (lights up a cigarette and starts walking away)

There is the usual traffic noise. You know, due to the curious fact that most users of vehicles on Indian roads assume that the speed of their vehicles is increased more by the pressing of the horn rather than the accelerator. With this noise as background score, Lucky walks along seething and smoking. Second one, literally! After sometime he discerns that, after irregular intervals, he hears a noise slightly different and in addition to the usual traffic noise. He looks to his right, and realises that the Man… yes… our friendly-neighbourhood auto-man, has been following him, without any भाड़ा, and expressing his undying love and friendship for Lucky with choicest expletives. This carried on for a sizable fraction of the whole distance. After some time, the Man summons up on his hitherto still-untapped reserves of adoration, and explains what Lucky should be better doing with various implements and objects, in relation to his anatomy… and drives away. Lucky gets the lesson, and walks to his temporary abode. An almost normal Mumbai evening.

मॉरल ओफ़ द स्टोरी: वेन यू फ़ील डैट यू डिज़र्व बीइंग snarky with any stranger, just on the basis that you are having a bad day, please pause and realise, that he might be having a worse day. And, द मुंबई ऑटो ड्राइवर may लेट गो of भाड़ा, but he विल नॉट लेट गो of a स्लाइट to हिज़ रेप्युटेशन, real and/or imagined. He will, as Michael Bolton crooned, “Go the Distance”. In the immortal words of the Linkin’ Park ballad, “In the End, it doesn’t even matter!”

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इति हास्य 4 (short and last): The Year was 2019. An increasingly greying middle-aged man walked out of his apartment building. Let’s call him Author. His booked ride had refused to come when he had told that the destination was near the world-renowned Crossing of Three-Hands. Given the need of the hour, he flags down an auto (forgetting an almost-a-decade old walk-to-remember, between Chakala and Sakinaka), and states the destination. Surprised by the quick assent, he hops in. He asks for a stop to buy cigarettes, and asks nicely for permission to (illegally) smoke in the moving vehicle. When given the requisite nod, he lights up. After a few calming drags, he checks out the name of the driver, and engages in small chit-chat. Interestingly, they strike up an understanding for cooperating on this regular commute, i.e. Sunil (the auto driver) would report at the Author‘s apartment building daily at the set time and drop him to his office. If any change in plans, advance notice of at least an hour would suffice. Either party. They exchange numbers.

Day 1: The Author gets a call from unknown number. He ignores. Another. He ignores. Third time, he picks up.

Author: Hello?

<Unknown number>: सर, मैं सुनील। आप को दूसरे नम्बर से कॉल किया। बैलेन्स खतम था। WhatsApp भी किया था। मैं नीचे वेट कर रहा हूँ।

Author apologises and goes down.

Day 2: Author gets a call from Sunil.

A: Sunil ji, bas do minute.

S: जी sir जी।

After 10 minutes, the Author goes down and gets on the auto.

This goes on for quite a few months. Almost 7 months. Sunil ji is almost always on time. Author is almost never. The Author tries to pay extra, in way of apology. Sunil ji refuses to accept. Author every day gives Sunil ji a small boiled-sweet confectionary as a way of appreciating his ready smile (another story, will relate some other day). Sunil ji once in a while gets prasad for the Author. He accepts. Those days he tries and does not smoke in the auto.

One fine day, in start of March 2020, the Author’s office shifts walkable-distance-close to his home. He tells Sunil ji that their understanding would be terminated from next week. As usual Sunil ji, smiles and says, “जी sir जी”।

Then CoVid-19 happens. On 26th April 2020, a Sunday, the Author receives a WhatsApp message. From Sunil ji.

Sunil: Good morning sir ji.

Author: Good morning Sunil ji. Kaise hain aap?

Sunil: Achha hoon. Aap Sir ji?

Author: Theek hoon. Aap apna aur apnon ka khayal rakhiye.

Sunil: Ok. Sir ji aap bhe khayal rakhiye apna.

After some time, the Author realises that “may be” Sunil ji needs financial support, as he was definitely not able to ply his usual trade. He calls up. He is politely told that Sunil ji is able to fend for himself. He had just messaged to check on the Author’s well-being. The Author had asked his and his family’s health, as mere civility. Sunil ji had actually reached out.

मॉरल ओफ़ द स्टोरी: दुनिया में आज भी अच्छे लोग हैं। आप की ज़िंदगी के सुनील जी को इस बात पे न miss कीजिए क्यूँकि वो ऑटो चलाते हैं, या आपकी तरह सम्भ्रांत नज़र नहीं आते है। मेरे इतने सारे दोस्तों में, सुनील जी पहले इंसान थे, जिन्होंने बस हाल-चाल जानने के लिए reach out किया। शायद मैं अच्छा दोस्त न बन सका किसी का। लेकिन सुनील जी ने बताया की अच्छा इंसान कैसे बनते है।

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Overall, just remembered these (and a few more) interesting incidents after the “pun” mentioned in the title struck me. Thought will jot them down. Lest I forget the incidents, and the learnings from them. I would appreciate if the readers could share a few of their “auto“-biographies in the comments. May be good fun. May be we learn something new!